When singer Pink stepped on stage at the 2017 VMA awards, she shared an intimate story about her daughter, Willow. Willow had told her mum how she looked like a boy and felt ugly. I loved the sweet manner in which she shared with her daughter and the audience, the importance of Being You. Accepting yourself and your own beauty. And I thought: ‘What a lovely role model to have for a mother. What a lovely role model for us all. She is the role model for every little girl who once thought she was ugly. This little girl has been me. I, too, have been that girl who needed to hear those words about Being You, beautiful and awesome.

The banter

By now, I can look back and understand how our bodies develop. And how when it is developing, new features are coming out. Sometimes changing our entire look.

Some may call it child’s play or general banter, when during that process, comments are made that might include: “Well, you are skinny”, “You are tall”, “You are ugly” and then followed by laughter. Laughter is supposed to mean that we should take such comments in “jest”. Not take it too seriously, too personally, or to heart if someone teased you.

But let’s face it, that is rubbish when people are picking out a trait or feature. We all have feelings. I am a firm believer that within every joke lies a core of ‘truth’. There is honesty about someone’s opinion in there. Whether it is true is subjective.

Looks apportioning great value

I grew up seeing how beauty was used as a measurement of value. How it was a blessing to be graced with beauty. For example having long hair as opposed to short hair, as it was your crowning glory, especially if you were a girl. My hair did grow very well but due to the texture, it curled and could shrink, especially if it was touched by water. I would cry if my hair was cut short, as I would associate that with my beauty.

At home, there would be banter about beauty and looks. There was the reference to that tale of the ugly duckling that had blossomed into a beautiful swan. It was the other way round with me. My parents would say how I was a gorgeous baby but how I was different now. At this stage, my body and features were changing. I took this to be, “Well you used to be beautiful but not anymore”.

So, for the longest time, I thought of myself as being ugly. I was also tall for my age and was slim. Yes, young people can be great teasers. I was often teased about my height.

At school it was highlighted, even by a teacher, how it was nice to be tall. It was positive. How models were usually tall and slim and looked at as being beauties. So another belief that I also held onto was how me being slim made me desirable. Guess what happened when my body shape changed? I had a crisis of confidence, especially when an uncle commented: “What happened to you? Both you and ‘X’ were the pretty ones?” He was referring to how I had put on weight after attending University. Yes, my body did change, and I had been eating unhealthy meals. Later on, I did lose the weight, slowly, but it stuck with me that I could not get fat, as I would be considered ugly. It was not until my early thirties that I started to have a new approach to beauty. Accepting myself wholly whatever shape or size I was.

You are what you believe yourself to be – feeling sexy and beautiful

I’ll never forget reading the opening of Pam Grout’s E-squared book where she shared how she perceived herself to be when she was younger. There was mention of her curly hair and chubbiness. The ending to that was amazing and she shared how now she saw this beautiful woman looking back at her.

I could relate to this story, especially when I looked back at my photographs, where I had grown from the once awkward and unconfident teenager. The one who was tall, slim and had slightly bigger feet than her peers.

Looking at those pictures now, I think I look so nice and pretty, but there is something missing there. My light coming through that radiates my inner beauty. It was there all the time, just not visible yet.

It was a journey, it did not happen overnight. Part of it began when I realised I had not been kind to myself. Kindness can be misinterpreted in everyday society. I was not surprised by some of the initial feedback I received when I posed a question in my Age of Honesty Community recently, asking: ‘What does being kind mean to you in your everyday life?’ They was an emphasis on being kind to the others around us, almost forgetting about being kind to ourselves.

Kindness is one of the essential acts of love. To start, I needed to connect with the love I have for myself, a connection which had been lacking. This was manifesting in my self-perceptions how I viewed my outer self and not truly seeing the beauty within. It has not been easy. But I have gotten there. And today the brand I have created; LoveHappyBody, is about accessing your Being and inner beauty; about not being ashamed of your beauty and sensuality.

How do you connect with your inner beauty:

  1. It starts with loving yourself first. It is difficult to love others if you do not love your Self first and don’t like or see your inner beauty. From this place, you can begin to be kind to yourself.
  2. Purchase a notebook, or create an electronic one and name it, “I am beautiful”.
  3. Look at all of yourself. Start looking at your different features. Write down the stuff you like about yourself on one side of the page. Then on the other side name the things you are not confident about. On the side where you list your favourite features, write down what you like about them. On the other side of the page, looking at your least favourite features, describe why you are thankful for them anyway. I would like to invite you to practice being kind. For example, I may say about my feet: “They have made it possible to visit many different places and carried me whilst I enjoyed some amazing experiences”. Get into the habit of loving all of you. Even what you may consider a “wart”.
  4. Connect to your inner God/Goddess. Sex is a potent force. Connect to the power of it. The energy. It is a combination of body confidence as well as self-confidence. This is very sexy and attractive to your potential partner. You will be amazed how what you may consider an undesirable feature can, in fact, be a turn-on. Or your lover may not see what you consider to be undesirable the way you do at all. You may think your bum is big, like a shelf. However, with the rise and notoriety of the Kardashians and before that Jennifer Lopez, it is, in fact for many men, a turn-on. The same goes for a man who may think one of his features is unattractive but can be seen as gorgeous by women.
  5. Feel comfortable with touching yourself. Yes, I am talking about pleasuring yourself. It is a natural act. If you do not feel comfortable due to beliefs and faith then do not practice, but it will help with step 3, connecting with your inner God/Goddess.
  6. Make a date at least once a month to pamper yourself. This could be having a massage, going for a facial or even doing it yourself from the comfort of your home. Remember ‘Being Kind’?
  7. Eat well and look after your body. Learn to listen to it. This includes taking note of how your body reacts to specific foods. Is it causing a reaction? Making you feel like your energy has been sapped? Worship this body that you were born in. Spend the time focusing on your favourite attribute and maybe giving your feet a pedicure.
  8. Write down a list of the attributes that make you awesome. Of the things that you have accomplished with that body and mind of yours. Ask yourself: ‘Have my body and looks prevented me from achieving my goals? Achieving my life wins? Prevented me from building and developing relationships?” Beauty starts from within.
  9. Recount the times people have asked you out on dates, and paid you a compliment about your features. Perhaps also write those comments down in the “I am beautiful” notebook. Remember that you are the one who needs to see your beauty first, and the way people respond to you is a projection. Not a validation that you are beautiful.
  10. Accept that there are going to be days when you are not going to be feeling your sexy, awesome, and beautiful self. I get these days too. Sometimes it is during my period. And I know something here: “It will pass”.

Beauty is in the eye of the beholder – the worldview

Beauty is subjective. Just like art, someone will have his or her interpretation of beauty. One guy may be a “breasts man” while another may be more of a “bum person”. Just as some women like beards and others don’t. As mentioned before, confidence and how you carry yourself is an attractive quality. Look at certain celebrities, who have the “X-factor”. The French actor Vincent Cassel may be seen by one person as being villain-like, like some of the dark characters that he has played, whereas to another person he can be devilishly handsome. However one views him, the fact is he dates models after being married for several years to what some people describe as the most beautiful woman on earth.

In this Western World, yes, it can be hard not to get caught up sometimes in a distorted view of beauty. But you need to question whose view it is. Is it a fixture of social conditioning? A fashion trend? And we know what happens with fashion: it is feeble. True beauty lies in emanating feel-good and projecting and being at ease and comfort with yourself. Being damn comfortable with who you are, not striving to be an image that may have been “air-brushed”. Be sexy, be awesome, be happy and be you. And screw those images that tell you otherwise.

Question: Were you once the ugly duckling? How did you sprout into the Swan – the best version of you?