I sometimes get a glimpse of my own reflection, when I look away from what I have been focusing on. For example, when the screen goes dark on my Mac while I’m working, the first thing I am drawn to are my eyes. Eyes with a shape that I have come to love and appreciate. One of my school friends once commented, “You have nicely shaped almond eyes.” We were both teenagers, a time fraught with insecurities whilst growing up and developing our own voice.
At school, I was popular for being the tall and lanky one. The one who stood out, not due to my looks, but “unbeknownst to me” at the time, for being me and not conforming by following the “in” crowd.
When my friend made the comment about my eyes, I did have a moment of glee. A moment when I thought, perhaps I was beautiful, too, like the actress Sophia Loren, the woman I was named after, who also had almond-shaped eyes. At that time, though, I had not yet discovered or realised my beauty.
The amount of time we spend worrying about whether we are beautiful, sexy, sensual, or skinny enough, steals our joy without us realising it. As the years go by—which happens quicker than we think they will—our bodies change and we turn into different versions of ourselves.
I was rewatching an episode of the now-finished TV show Schitt’s Creek, where the loveable matriarch Moira Rose imparts her wisdom onto the character Stevie: “Take a thousand naked pictures of yourself now. You may currently think, ’Oh, I’m too spooky,’ but believe me, one day you will look at those photos with much kinder eyes and say, ’Dear God, I was a beautiful thing.’”
The quote resonated with me, as I indeed got kinder with myself as I got older. It had taken me time to get to a place where I was more accepting, loving, and appreciative of myself. Appreciative of the body that held not only my spirit but nourished and carried me. For too long I was leaning more into finding flaws and imperfections that were not beautiful. For example, my broad nose (which was not surprising as at school I once had classmates curious to know what the width measurement was) and being one of the taller girls in my class, had brought attention. Through my experiences then, I identified that being feminine and pretty was about having larger breasts, and being short and petite. Not being tall and having big feet. I was even convinced that I would remain a virgin because of the last part. I know, not a logical summation, but at the time these fears and anxieties seemed so “real.”
You may ask, where did these concerns regarding my looks come from? I know you are smart enough to realise that whilst one cannot control the inner workings of another person, we can also not ignore the effect of outside influences. When we talked about outside influences when I was growing up, media were in the form of TV, magazines, and newspaper publications. Thank goodness social media had not yet been invented, but even back then, there were stories and ideologies about what beauty standards were or ought to be imposed on us through the media we did have.
I remember being at a university lecture with a friend, who then commented on how she aspired to be like then newly slimmed-down singer Victoria Beckham. Victoria reportedly said in a recent interview that trying to be slim is now old-fashioned.
It was in the fairy tales we grew up with, where the women who got the men were the pretty, fair-headed, and petite princesses.
So, Western society has never made it easy to be more accepting of ourselves, especially with quizzes and magazine headlines that have talked about, or rather dictated, “what beauty is” for decades.
As I got older, I gathered more worldly experience and developed more self-awareness. I realised that a lot of my worries and convictions regarding beauty were based on bullshit stories, pardon my French.
Beauty was not that shallow. It did not have to be. Beauty was more about feeling comfortable within ourselves and accepting our differences. Being confident in our own skin. This beauty was one that radiates from us and shows in our eyes. Have you not noticed when you look at a picture of a seemingly beautiful scene, what can really make it is the person’s eyes and posture? I have looked back at photographs of myself and thought, “Wow, I looked so good. Look at my skin, my eyes, other features, and my body. I looked great but look at how sad I looked.”
Going back to what Moira said, and what I would say to my teen self, twenty-something self, thirty-something self: “Don’t miss how great and awesome you are. Appreciate it.” Yes, it’s so easily said, especially when also looking at what was happening at that time. Maybe I was with the wrong person. A person who may not have reminded me of my awesomeness due to their behaviour, whether it was out of jealousy, insecurity, or even just their own stuff that they were dealing with. Not that the responsibility for our perception of self should lay on someone else. But as mentioned, we are also influenced by what is going on externally.
So how do we move on from this? I could say as you get older and wiser, you start knowing more. Knowing better.
Here comes the listicle:
- Stop worrying about traits you may feel are imperfect, unattractive, or flawed. Just as the crystals I like wearing, they are beautiful, although they are not perfect or identical.
- Don’t get lost. Lost trying to fit in, feeling loved, and being accepted.
- Keep getting to know yourself. Do things that could make you uncomfortable, like learning and exploring new things. Getting out of your comfort zone.
- Go solo. Dine on your own, go to events and mingle.
- Look in the mirror. Start by looking for that one favourite feature you love about yourself. Build from there.
Remember that confidence will attract positive attention. Showing that you are comfortable with yourself is sexy. Maybe you can take a thousand naked selfies too, and screw these beauty conventions that have imprisoned your self-esteem and belief in yourself. Addendum in reference to dating: don’t send those naked selfies.
